Being Grateful For (My/) The Eating Disorder?!

Background story

In elementary school at around age 12, I had problems with classmates and I never really fit in. I was simply different than the majority.

I love video games (and Manga & Anime in the past) and have a foible for Japanese culture since I was a kid.

Therefore, I often hid my interests because I was too afraid of being judged.

I tried to fit in & haven’t listened to my intuition (I didn’t know what this even is at that time).

The first time I felt fat was around age 14…And my grades dropped – my self-confidence was non-existent.

Even though I changed schools in grade 9 I carried traumas from the past with me and the wounds were deeper.

I thought being skinny would solve my problems…

 To make the long story short

After hitting rock bottom at age 18 I have learned so much about how our body works.

Without my eating disorder:

  • I hadn’t chosen the path of self-love

  • Wouldn’t have discovered spirituality & the Law of Attraction

  • Wouldn’t be where I am now and the person with all the experience, I gained over the years

  • And so much more…

If you haven’t, listen to the full topic on my newest episode and don’t forget to leave a 5* review!

LISTEN TO THE GOODIE HERE:
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Why We Should Forgive

The people who hurt us may not even know we are in pain and they're the reason. You are only hurting yourself when you're holding on to these grudges, hatred, pain, and anger - you are a prisoner in your mind.

Forgiving is setting yourself free and you stop living in the past and get your power back to move on. You no longer give it so much room. Often, we just want to be right, and that the other person suffering as much as we do, but this won't make you happy.

Sometimes you have to ask yourself this difficult question "do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?"

It doesn't mean what they have done it okay and do make this mistake once again. the misconception of thinking "if I forgive them, they'll get away with it" is not true. Your ego is talking here.

In reality, you're just self-sabotaging in a form of punishing yourself as it's their lesson to learn from. To forgive is not about the other person or situation is about you. Holding on to these grudges and anger is just lowering your vibration and keep yourself stuck in a negative place - which is far from loving yourself.

Liked this episode? Please leave me 5* review. That would be amazing!

LISTEN TO THE GOODIE HERE:
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24 Lessons I Learned In 24 Years

Hi there! This is post is a bit different as I recorded this podcast as a very spontaneous inspired action.


I was reflecting on my life as I turned 24 in September and tbh, I was shocked as my younger self thought at this age you have your life together and are an adult. I feel neither of these happened. Sure, I’m officially an adult, but I’m just figuring out where the universe will take me.


And I’m sure many of you feel the same. In my opinion, the 20s exist to discover, exploring, taking risks and see where those will lead us. I mean, especially in the early 20s you are recovering from puberty, lol.

If you like my podcast, please give me a 5* review. That would be fab!

OR IF YOU HAVEN’T LISTENED TO IT SO FAR, YOU CAN DO IT HERE:
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Why Perfectionism Will Destroy You

Why Perfectionism Will Destroy You

Hello everyone, I'm Kerstin and this is my brand new podcast about mental health, personal development, spirituality & so much more! 🌞 In my first episode ever I'm talking about perfectionism and how it does more harm than good.

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The Importance Of Becoming Your Own Best Friend

In this episode, I'm talking about as you can take out of the title "being your own best friend". A huge part, if not the foundation of it is self-love. Unconditional self-love.

When someone is lacking confidence and love for themselves, they are more likely at the risk of making them conditional on others, or even co-dependency when we are talking about relationships.

They feel another person could fill a void they can’t seem to fill themselves. And tada, the toxic relationship cycle begins.


What is emotional dependency?

If I should explain it, I would say it’s making your wellbeing, worth, happiness, etc. dependent on others. People with rather low self-esteem, or who don’t feel worthy (enough) are more at a risk to “suffer” from this.

A typical sentence from someone who’s emotionally dependent on someone could be “I can’t live without this person.”.

I used to make sure to make this person happy at any cost while neglecting my own needs.

A person experiencing this issue is afraid of being alone or better said being lonely. As they fear to get in touch with their thoughts, needs, and problems. Putting it aside is easier but will only hurt them in the longer run.

To make this short – everyone who ever had experiences with this is lacking self-love.

 

But how to get out of it?

This is just a basic overview, but the main steps are.

-Be aware of it – and that you might have stepped into this pitfall

-Is it a romantic or platonic relationship? The latter could be a friend, or the most difficult one (in my opinion) a family member, such as a parent.

-Write down WHY you (think you) need them & then think about how you could fill these voids on your own.


These questions can help to identify your areas needing improvement:

→ What are you missing out on?

→ Which part of you missing is filling this person?

→ What are you afraid of?

→ What’s missing without this person?


If it’s a romantic relationship, depending on the degree of dependence, it’s vital to spend more time on your own or it’s worst (like in my case) to leave this relationship. It’s like living with an eating disorder, you can’t heal in the same space that made you sick.


It will take time and you won’t love yourself overnight as it’s a process that hurts sometimes.

Anyway, you have 2 choices either live the rest of your life unfulfilled, playing small or go through periods of pain, discomfort and giving yourself time & coming out of it stronger than ever, ready to whatever you set your mind to. Your life is in your own hands. I believe in you!

 

Do you still feel lost and need more support? 

 In my podcast, I’m also talking about how my first love / romantic relationship ended up in a very unhealthy situation. I know how painful this is, and you don’t have to go through this alone.

I’m more than happy to talk to you and support you. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

If you like the podcast please leave me a 5* review. That would be amazeballs!

OR LISTEN TO THE GOODIE RIGHT HERE:
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My Monthly Update - August

I like reading stories about the people behind a blog and get to know them better. So that’s why I thought I could do the same, where I’ll write an extra post every month.
Just sharing a lil summary at the end of each month. Today I share with you how my August was.

The first two weeks...

I started august with coming home to my mom as this summer semester break started. It’s always a 5 hours trip from Bremen to my hometown via train.
She picked me up from the train station - as mostly every time & I was glad to see her. We made a trip to Erfurt and had some quality time – just mom and me.

There was also a reunion with my best friends, who I know since I’m a smol bean.
I also made a trip to a friend from Dresden on my own. The last time I saw her was one year ago. So, it was time. Unfortunately, [she also struggles with her mental health][1] and has an eating disorder.
It was cool, we talked a lot and she showed me her city. But what I realized afterward, I automatically adjusted my eating habits to hers. Which resulted in eating less as I’m already on my way back on track to heal from the past months.

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Healing & Recovering

I don’t have these typical ED thoughts, but I would lie if it would be easy to just eat more again. Alone the fact my hunger signals are a bit confused. I estimate my intake roughly to make sure I’m eating enough. Been there and now I can do this again.
You just can’t trust your body after a period of restriction, even if it was a few weeks or months this time. As long, as your body isn’t at its happy point, your hormones and overall health aren’t in balance. Your body itself is confused. Give it some time, lots of love, food, rest and patience and it’ll work out. Have trust and faith!
The time with her was a lesson to learn from and to focus on myself, other’s eating schedules have NOTHING to do with mine and I shouldn’t care at all! Same applies to you!

Week three and four...

Last week I finally handed in the homework I had to do with a group of my classmates. My friend (one of whom I worked with) and I were so relieved as this process was stressful. Gladly we don’t have to do such tasks once again.
She also visited me one week ago and stayed here for 3 days. We went together to my hometown’s annual festival called “Mühlhäuser Stadtkirmes”. People from all over Germany visit my little town just for this fest, which is funny.
Normally, I’m not into drinking, but during this time I make some excuses here and then. I don’t like parties, but it’s cool to meet people again who I only see once a year. There are always massive amounts of topics to talk about. And I love talking a blue streak, haha.

Unexpected family stuff...

Then, a few days ago something happened. My sister, 2 years younger than me, who is pregnant and unemployed, is now living in my mom’s apartment. After she broke up with her boyfriend. Who has the same qualifications as her... She also never took responsibility for her own life and lives of social welfare.
This is a very difficult situation for me as my mom isn’t understanding my problems, as my sister triggered parts of my eating disorder. She was the one, who preferred when I was little, and now I feel the same again.

My sister is hard to talk to. I often got the feeling she’s not having a clue what I’m talking about. And normally you can expect to have a good conversation with someone who is 21 years old.
I don’t want to complain, but my mom supports her fully. She now also doesn’t have to take responsibility at all, nor thinking about how she wants to make a living for her and her newborn.

I’m not going to put myself into danger and risk a relapse just because of her and since I sat together with my mom and her without a good result. My mom isn’t realizing what’s going on as she’s blinded by her feelings. My sister will always be her child and I see clearly.

I’ll decide something which is not easy, but crucial. I will try to get her into a mother-child facility, where she will get help from professionals. Maybe I risk driving a wedge between my mom and me.
Deep down I know this is the right step.
Not only for my future niece but to create her future in terms of education and earn money or even finding her purpose. To be on her own and which is most important to me, to take the heat off my mom.

How to deal with difficult family situations

1. Stand up for yourself and talk about what’s bothering you. If you keep things by yourself which are related to other people, you’ll only hurt yourself in the long run.

2. Create a little haven only for you. It could be a room where you just spend time with yourself. Remember, you’re the most important person in your life and therefore self-care is a huge part. Do things which make you feel better and automatically raise your vibration (more about spirituality & the law of attraction here). I love spending time in nature, doing yoga, reading, playing video games, among others.

3. Accept and seek help – if necessary. There are tons of professionals out there who love to help you, and in some cases, you can even remain anonymous – such as in helplines.

4. Love yourself. It’s like in a toxic romantic relationship. Give yourself the love and things, you believe you need of someone else. You are already complete.

I know (depending on your situation), you want to have any problem solved. But the thing is, you can’t save the world nor should you take full responsibility for other people’s problems.

Check out my “Let’s become independent” worksheet I’ve made for you!

 

 

Sometimes saving yourself means letting go – even family members. Especially if they’re either unhealthy for you. Then, just as some friends, who you don’t get along together anymore – they’re not meant for you and you’ll attract more people in your vibrational state.

 

 

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Dating & Eating Disorders

At age 16 before [the spiral went down][1], I avoided relationships at all costs. I’ve heard the drama of my friends all the time, yet I was the one who they asked for advice.

I didn’t want to get dependent on someone and lose my freedom. I sure had some experiences with guys but nothing serious.

When I was trapped in anorexia, I lost all interest romantic relationships, dating, sex etc.

I was too busy destroying myself and wasn’t good or enough at all. And asked myself “who could ever like (someone like) me?”.

You see, I had non-existent self-confidence.

After being one year in recovery from my eating disorder and done with the first year of my apprenticeship training for a few months I met my first boyfriend or better said the first guy I trusted and ever showed my body.

I experienced the feeling of being in love for the first time, and from this moment on ED thoughts came up again.

I must stay skinny and perfect & be the perfect girlfriend, so no one could be in competition with me.

Everything about me needed to be perfect.

More or less, I barely made more progress and I eventually relapsed to stay skinny aka maintaining an unhealthy weight for my body.

But the butterflies in my stomach overlayed the feeling of weakness and being controlled by the demons in my head.

You see being in a state like this can be dangerous. Feeling happy but also lost at the same time.

In the first 2 years, he supported me & made sure I eat and said he’d love me no matter what size (tell this someone who measured her worth from her weight/body since years).

I was 21 around that time.

We were together for almost 4 years, yet in the present I know he sort of manipulated be.

I made myself completely dependent on him. So, he knew he could play with my feelings and use my weaknesses for his benefits. I often cried and took every fault on me?

He often went to parties, also with my friends because they got along well together while I stayed at home playing video games or taking care of his cat.

I didn’t see how toxic this relationship became and only realize this now being single.

Found out he cheated on me multiple times, but I always focused on the positive sides (good to use the law of attraction, hehe)

Now I’m here catching up what I’ve missed the last years. Living in another city on my own. But also set me under too much pressure which caused some lapses in the ED.

Where I’m currently recovering from & focusing on my dreams and goals. If you’re interested in a monthly recovery update, please let me know!

I don’t want you to experience something similar. Especially if you’re suffering from eating disorders too.

So, today I wanna share 4 tips if you’re dating someone but also making sure to protect your recovery.

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#1 Be transparent

Sure, it’s the last thing you want to talk about with someone who you’re interested in as you fear to push them away.

But let me tell one thing, the more serious your relationship gets the more open and honest you should be. Both sides.

If someone loves/likes you, they will understand and don’t define you.

It’s important to talk about your struggles and how insecure you are.

I would talk straight about fearing to gain weight and losing attraction as I want to be beautiful, not only for me but also for them. Or how you want to be healthy and enjoy every moment with them.

Having an ED and dating is possible, but you need to be honest with yourself and push yourself further.

#2 Talk about your triggers

Even people who seem healthy tend to have some unhealthy habits, like only eating in the evening.

Others aren’t a breakfast person. And as you tend to compare yourself with others, especially other's eating habits, this could be dangerous.

Tell them if something about them is triggering for you. It’s crucial to protect your recovery and focus on yourself and your health!

You’re in recovery and different standards are applying to you. (More about this here and here)

After a time they will understand you more and can help you. As everyone has different triggers and raw points.

#3 Do some "Non-ED" activities

Things like going to the cinema or on vacation can be scary. But those are parts of a normal, healthy life.

And since you don’t want to be defined by your struggles, it’s a great chance to tackle that.

What could be cooler than collecting memories with someone you love?

They can support you and you don’t have to do this alone.

Always ask yourself why to do you feel scared/other emotion. So, you can understand more and know the next time how to act more different and healthier.

Imagine yourself being recovered and being able to have a healthy relationship, not only with yourself but also with your partner? That’d be awesome, wouldn’t it?

#4 Put yourself first

Sure, you want to spend every minute with your new flame.

I think it’s important to spend time with yourself alone. This way you make sure, you don’t depend yourself too much on someone else.

Realize you’re the only one who can make you happy. Thinking otherwise isn’t healthy nor helpful.

It could even destroy a relationship. As your opponent don’t want to be reliable for your wellbeing.

Both of you still have their own lives.

You’re the most important person in your life. This isn’t selfish! You can only give love to others if you have more than enough for yourself.

Take this time to figure out what you love, maybe trying new hobbies or revive an old one.

I can’t stress enough how important it is to do something your passionate about while recovering.

Focus only on food and getting healthy physically isn’t the only thing, it’s one half. The other half is mental recovery.

Part of that is reconnecting with your true self. You spend months or even years making the eating disorder your personality while “losing yourself” (hint: you didn’t lose yourself, but it’ll take some time to figure out who you are).

I think this is the most crucial thing.

Now past recovery...

where I realized I can reach all my goals, I feel much more scared of my future (but my dreams are louder) than I feared weight gain, as I only have this one life and want to live it until the fullest.

So, I dare you to work through your feelings and fears, as they will lead you to your path.

Go where the fear is. It’s worth it, I promise!

 

 

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