Who the hell am I? (Self Introduction)

こんにちは、 everyone!

I'm Kerstin from Germany and I finally came to the decision of starting my blog. I think about this on and off since years, but limited beliefs always stopped me. Alone the situation with tax laws here in Germany. I started this blog because I want to talk (or better said, write) about my experiences with my studies (Japanese & International Management) & Self Growth using the Law of Attraction. I will also give you tips and help. But here and then I'll also write about other topics which I'm passionate about such as veganism or video games.

And of course, I love to write and want to share my thoughts with you. My blog's name "shinykitsune" is a mixture of "shiny", which is obviously derived from Pokémon, but in my case it means to begin to shine = loving yourself unconditionally and working towards your goals & "kitsune" (キツネ) is Japanese for "fox", my spirit animal & represents my interest in Japanese culture (here and here are great books if you want to learn more about this topic).

 

MY STORY

I know we all have our stories and I'm always curious who is the person behind the blog when I read others.

23 years ago I was born in a small town in Central Germany, living together with my younger sister, Mom & Dad. Sounds pretty normal, and beautiful at first. I was a "normal" school kid and did well during that time.

Until I was 10 years old, where my Dad got into a car accident as he was on his way home from work. From that moment on our life changed. At this time the doctors couldn't tell us whether he will wake up or not. My dad was in a coma for more than half a year. We knew dad wouldn't ever recover fully & he never came home again. After years of being in a hospital, he was transferred to a special-care home for brain-damaged people. Where he still lives today. My mom was very depressed for the first 2 years after the accident. She didn't know what to do now. And she couldn't be there for me like other moms. I had to switch my role and need to be there for her.

At this time, I asked myself first "why my dad and not me, then life would be better." Sounds sad, especially coming from a child, right? My mom tried to be there for us kids and I did my best to support her.

 

THE CAUSE

Time flew, and I was a 7th-grade teenager. I didn't like my class from high school. My grades dropped, I wasn't interested in school and I didn't want to be around "these" people.

I showed the first symptoms of depression. Video games were my best friends and I felt like I could escape from reality, at least for a short time. I didn't want to grow up & wanted to stay a child. But until I was 15/16 nothing "bad" happened. I did "teenager things" like shopping, went to some parties, met new people, but never been interested in relationships, love etc. It rather scared me or made me uncomfortable.

I never felt confident in my skin, I felt too fat (or better said too much), but I've never been overweight (even if this is healthy for some people!). At this time, I thought I'm not good at anything, maybe if I lose weight, I would feel better. So, I started to research on the internet, bought books, magazines about weight loss.

I soaked up every information I could find like it was a new passion. The first weeks I did a "healthy" weight loss, but the results didn't come fast enough so I switched to some more "other" methods. I radically cut down my intake, where I just consumed a few hundred calories a day & rapidly lost weight in 2 months. (I don't want to mention numbers as this could trigger people).

Sure, I got compliments. After a while, I thought I could stop losing weight for now and started to eat a bit more.

Then I maintained this slightly underweight weight for like half a year until my ED wanted more. I isolated myself, hid the weight loss, barely spoke to my mom. At the age of 18, I reached my lowest point, I finished school and now I didn't know what to do with my life. I remembered sleeping with 3 blankets because I was freezing so much and I was constantly dizzy. Constantly lightheaded. Couldn't concentrate on much, easily lost interest in literally everything.

 

IntroductionBlogPost.jpg

THE TURNOVER

The scariest thing is I didn't see myself this skinny and broken. I didn't believe I had a problem. But as my mom cried and was worried about me eventually dying, my mind changed. At this point, my only choices were to recover or die. I chose to recover. Now 5 years after that, I still struggle with depression and anxiety, but I'm so glad my thoughts aren't 24/7 around food, exercise & weight loss anymore. I completed an apprenticeship as a laboratory assistant, but this doesn't fulfill me.

Btw, This book helped me SO much in my recovery and to understand how & why my body reacts to the damage I've done to it.

THE FUTURE

So I decided to take another path...

Time passed and last year in October I left my hometown and moved to Bremen in order to study. Before that (and still do) I try to figure out what my mission and life's purpose is. I struggle a lot with limited beliefs and my mental health (will talk about this later in a separate personal post) suffered (and still does) too. And I want to be honest with you guys on my blog and show you that everything is possible.

I know I'm not put on earth to live a "normal" life just because I'm afraid of jumping out of my comfort zone. Aside from that, I write for people who are also dreamers like me, where family, acquaintance, & friends say things like "that's unrealistic, don't be silly" etc, for people who want to face their fears and I want to motivate you. I'll achieve my dreams and heal my soul. And so will you.

 
 

 
 

Liked this post? Sharing is caring, and it would make me smile! ☺